Breathing During a Pandemic

So you know how it’s possible to be that (possibly annoying) person — (aka me) who goes on about their mental sturdiness, their overall equilibrium, and who doles out calm advice for months and months on end, and then who basically totally utterly loses their sh*t. Yah. That’s where I’ve been the last couple of weeks. And we won’t get into the reasons why, but odds are it’s going to happen to everyone at least once during a pandemic, right?

I had my first panic attack since I was a kid when I didn’t know what that really was. I also recently, on top of the interval where I had the serious feeling panic attack, had that shortness of breath for a few days every time I thought about the things that were making me lose it, and I literally couldn’t stop thinking about them. I had nights and nights of ridiculous ridiculous insomnia. (My compartmentalizing skills, contingency planning, are now back online….thankfully, pray they hold). I had flames coming out of my eyes and steam coming out of my ears for days longer than I’d like to admit. Honestly, the flames are still just below the surface. But. We go on.

And so, I’d like to share those things that helped me restore my breathing. You’ve probably heard it all before. But here we go.

Number one good thing, is I’ve started working on the edits for my angel book, and my editor/publisher is a dream. She gets me. I love her. So, I reminded myself of that, and honestly, working on a book about angels is not a bad place to remember to breathe. God, I hope ya’ll end up liking it when it comes out next fall.

Number two. Music. Okay, this whole pandemic started not shortly after I wrote this essay on my beloved Bruce Springsteen. It’s hard to believe that was over a year ago. I knew Bruce was the best place to start, a place to make me feel more like myself again. I’d been saving his film on the making of his album Letter to You. I love the way it was filmed and honestly I think I smiled the whole entire time I watched it. At the beginning he talks about his 45 year conversation with his bandmates and fans and then he says that for some of us, we’ve only recently started speaking, and obviously, he was talking about me. lol. Okay, maybe not. Anyway, it felt good nevertheless. I’d been seen by Bruce.

Friends. I have some people who have helped me out these past few weeks, and one went so far as to put on a gorilla suit to cheer me up. You wouldn’t think a gorilla suit would cheer you up to such a degree, but I’m here to tell you it changed my life. Also many other just sweet nice things that friends have said and done. And all the listening! and checking in. Feeling very blessed in that regard.

Early Sunday morning photowalks have continued to save my life. Out there right about sunrise, and no one around really. I need to write an entire essay about that process and what I’m learning from it. So that’s hopeful. Thinking about what I want to write when I have time.

Back to music, Max Richter. I’ve written my last couple books to his music and I love it. But then this NPR Tiny Desk Concert from home was just perfect. The dog! The music! It just hit me perfectly.

On Twitter, Dana Levin said this:

“After a while, “Why?” is the least helpful question. You can get lost in it for years. It can impede the more crucial “What now?””

So I needed to stop thinking about the why, and stop thinking about the various ethical and philosophical questions and sticking points I have, and just ask, what now? I’m not saying I even have an answer to that, but it’s helping me frame better questions for myself, and isn’t that what we all need to do going forward?

Poetry. I own all the previously published of Bronwen Wallace, but a collected with a few new early unpublished poems was too hard to resist. How is it that in a new format, nice cover, all the poetry seems new and fresh still? Maybe because Bronwen Wallace has so much depth. If you’ve not read her, well, please do.

More music. As has been previously stated, I’m no great music aficionado, and honestly I just tend to listen to things over and over. But really, that helps with the breathing. So lately it’s been Nirvana, Jimi Hendrix, The Stones, Max Richter (obvs), Lana del Ray (Norman Fucking Rockwell), throw in some Beethoven played by Sviatoslav Richter (someone on Twitter mentioned him), a ton of Springsteen, Dave Grohl, Jason Isbell, and Harry Styles and Stevie Nicks, and you’ve got a pretty weird playlist. But whatever works, right?

Whisky. You have to breathe well to drink whisky. This is just a fact. I set up a whisky still life in a bid to become a whisky influencer, and while that didn’t happen, at least I got to enjoy the pour. Not for everyone, but a small tipple can really help out with my insomnia lol.

Lastly, thinking about my daughter and the great things she makes helps me breathe well. If you have time, you can watch this excerpt from her thesis film. I can’t wait to see the whole thing.