Confidence

"It's not time we lack, but concentration,” said Adam Zagajewski. But lately I’ve been replacing the word concentration with confidence, because that, for me, has been always a huge piece of the puzzle of getting down to work. I had in my mind to write a post about my own (lack of) self-confidence regarding my photography. I wanted to follow that line of thought and think about the courage it takes to make a single work of art, a single image, to imagine that you are worthy of the process of art-making, of making something creative, something artful.

I was thinking about how looking through some photos that I took in my early 20s in black and white and that I’d had blown up to 8x10 (so I had that much confidence) and how GOOD they are, but how at the time I didn’t believe in myself at all. I had wanted to be a photographer at about the same time I knew I wanted to become a writer. Photography wasn’t what it is now, obviously. You had to have a lot more confidence in your ability to work in film than I ever had. Just working on this series of still life photos has taken a new unearthed and wild confidence, but I can only hold it for short bursts. I only have faith in these photos for small intervals, in myself. I know I’m getting better, getting closer, but also that I’m not there yet. What are the circumstances that will help me take them to another level?

How do we develop self-confidence? And of course, I can’t think of this subject at this time (which is a good thing) without considering that if I as a privileged white woman have always had confidence issues, then what do BIPOC deal with? What are the circumstances needed to build one’s self-confidence as an artist? How can we help others build confidence so that the arts are filled with all sorts of voices? Or maybe it’s less how can we help per se, but how can we make space? The voices are there if you look for them. I continue to learn and look….

And it’s not just confidence, it’s energy, it’s time, it’s concentration. All of these.

I’m thinking about confidence, and how it relates to courage, how that relates to swagger, and how that relates to humbleness, because we need that too, and how that connects to anxiety, shyness. And also to hope, beauty, change, poetry.

I wanted to talk about not accepting the unfairnesses of the world. I want a deeper understanding of how things work rather than performances of care. I want care, and I’m seeing a lot of that too. I suppose I have a continued need to just listen rather than talk. (She says after rambling on…) I wanted to connect things but frankly I’m exhausted and need to rest, gather, re-group this week. It will all come together eventually.

I’m going to end with a poem everyone was sharing on Twitter yesterday and which I just can’t stop reading and I’m so grateful for it. By Jericho Brown, titled ‘Say Thank You Say I’m Sorry.’

{If you’d like to see more of my still life photos, they’re on Society 6 btw}